If you'll pardon the expression, the "denouement" of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell's disastrous September press conference came when a reporter from TMZ.com pleaded righteous indignation about the NFL's failure to retrieve the telling elevator video of Ray Rice knocking out his fiancé.

After a hopelessly exasperated commissioner hemmed and hawed about why the league wasn't able to discover the smoking gun video, the ill-dressed young man from TMZ piped up:

"Mr. Commissioner, we found out by one phone call. You guys have a whole legal department. Can you explain that?"

“Good”
Goodell, Biscotti

Goodell could not, and the press conference went downhill from there.

The point, however, wasn't lost on observers. When TMZ, arguably the sleaziest, slimiest, most ethically-challenged "media" organization in the history of man-and-womankind seizes the moral high ground --- then the organization from which it has seized said morality has a real problem!

And the NFL does, indeed.

But on the bright side, as horribly as Goodell performedat his press conference, Baltimore Ravens CEO Steve Bisciotti was every bit as horrific at his press conference a few days later to explain that the team didn't try to get special treatment for Rice.

The highlight of Bisciotti's press conference was when he thought it timely to make a joke when asked about women in management.

As the New York Times reported, asked if any women had been involved in the Ravens' decision-making process concerning the Rice case, Bisciotti said, "Unfortunately, we don't have a female president, G.M. or coach," before joking that maybe if his "head public relations man would leave, there would be an opening."

Har. Hardy. Har. Har.

All of which underscores to PR professionals that press conferences are dicey, dangerous and often a complete waste of time and money -- as the NFL and the Ravens found out this month.

Also, reporters hate ‘em.

Journalists want to be first with the news. Since everyone attending is privy to the same information at the same time, the possibility of reportorial initiative is lost.

So reporters turn mean and nasty and ask impossible, holier-than-thou questions. (Ask Goodell and Bisciotti.) Plus, every word one utters -- or wishes he hadn't -- gets played back instantly on Twitter and YouTube. And occasionally if the venue is as big as Goodell's was, you've even got to contend with the inevitable moronic party crasher, screaming out that Howard Stern still is on the radio somewhere.

No, unless you're Derek Jeter, press conferences are rarely positive. But if you simply have no choice but to hold one, here are a few things to remember.

1. Have a script.

Sure reporters complain, but as long as they report accurately what you've said, no problem. Appearing at a press conference is similar to testifying in court. As long as you stay within the bounds of your prepared talking points, you'll be fine. Once you begin to wander and digress, game's over. If you don't believe, ring up Bisciotti's disaster on YouTube.

2. Have a point.

It makes no sense to hold a press conference merely to reiterate what you've already said, e.g. "The NFL messed up." If all you have is material that's already been made public, then for goddsakes don't hold a press conference. You will get skewered. Just ask Commissioner Goodell.

3. Be specific.

The media, the bloggers, the tweeters want facts, specifics, examples, yardsticks, benchmarks. So be ready to give ‘em what they want; feed the beast. In Goodell's case he should have been ready with new policies to treat future domestic/child abusers. He should have been ready to say what would be done with current NFL alleged abusers. He should have been ready to opine on whether abusers would be allowed back in the league. The fact that he wasn't ready means he shouldn't have had the press conference.

4. Dress seriously.

If you're a rapper with a name like Kanye or Fat Trel or Drake, you can wear what you want to your press conference. But if you're an executive talking about one of your employees getting convicted of cold-cocking his fiancé in an elevator, you don't walk in looking like you just got your yacht, festooned in a casual shirt and jacket, blue jeans and no socks, like Steve Bisciotti! That just doesn't comply with the requirements of the situation. At least Roger Goodell wore a suit to his press conference crucifixion.

5. Announce the time allotted.

Reporters at a press conference must be kept on a short leash, or else they will continue to bit. It's important, therefore, that someone other than the executive in the spotlight – PR person -- serve as moderator. One important function is to announce to the assembled multitude that, "The press conference will conclude promptly at ____" That's how the President of the United States conducts press conferences, and if it's good enough for him…………..

6. Announce that the end has come.

Always announce there is time for only one more question. And then end it. Don't allow your speaker to linger. Have him say his piece and get out. It's the public relations person's responsibility to read the riot act to the chief at the danger of going on and on. Doubt it? Ravens CEO Bisciotti's press conference lasted an interminable 47 minutes of the mostly pathetic, pandering pap. After about 40 minutes of observing his boss's self-immolation, the Ravens' public relations manager finally, mercifully tried to end the press conference.

CEO Bisciotti kept right on talking.