By Bill Huey
Lately it seems that so much is going wrong and so many people are apologizing for lapses in behavior, screw ups, and egregious offenses that it is difficult to keep track of who has apologized and for what.
There are corporate apologies, celebrity apologies, political apologies, religious apologies and a host of personal apologies. Former CNN anchor Rick Sanchez recently apologized to Jon Stewart for, um, for—WHAT WAS IT AGAIN?
NPR should apologize to Juan Williams for pulling the trigger and firing him when all that was needed was a heartfelt apology to everyone everywhere who might have been offended by anything anyone said.
But that just adds to the apology load, which is threatening to sink us with long-winded mea culpas—some of them in infomercial form—that beg our forgiveness while continuing to repeat the same behaviors that are being apologized for in the first place.
What we need is simplification and streamlining of this laborious and time-consuming process—in the form of a national Day of Apology. It would be similar to Labor Day or the Fourth of July, a ceremony in which politicians, corporate executives, Wall Street chiselers, movie stars, sports figures, pederasts and perverts take the podium to apologize. In fact, a gathering like this would resemble the annual White House Correspondents Dinner, without the fancy trappings.
Each speaker would have one minute to set things right. At the end of all the apologies, a bell would toll—one for each apology-- as the apologists line up to sign their names to the Great Book of Apology and make abject exits to their waiting private cars.
Each will be given an “I Apologized” sticker as they leave, similar to the “I voted” stickers handed out at polling places in some states.
Of course, with so much going wrong and so many things to apologize for, a few ground rules must be observed:
• No one may apologize more than once
• The apology must be hand-written and not vetted by a lawyer or PR adviser
• No one may apologize for just BEING something—a congressman, a lobbyist, tax scofflaw, junk software peddler or Hollywood agent, for example. You must have done something (or, more likely, failed to do something) in order to apologize
• Apologies made on the National Day of Apology will not be admissible as evidence in court or considered during sentencing hearings
• You may not apologize if you are awaiting the decision of an appellate court
• Apologists must appear in person—no videos or calls from your tax haven in Switzerland where you are avoiding extradition
• Apologies must be certified by the National Day of Apology Commission, and a fee paid according to a sliding scale based on the gravity of the offense
• Attention Salahis and reality TV shows: No gatecrashing. All apologists must be invited
I am certain this will become a hugely significant and eagerly awaited annual event — a national day of teeth gnashing, ridicule, and catharsis — and I hope the MacArthur Genius Award people are reading this.
This idea will need start-up funding.
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Bill Huey is president of Strategic Communications, a corporate and marketing consultancy in Atlanta, and author of “Carbon Man,” a novel about greed. |