The Devil, a.k.a. Satan, the Prince of Darkness, Big Bad, The Notorious D, His Royal Badness, Boss of all Bosses. Occasionally goes incognito under the name Brad.
Opportunity to act as Agency of Record and literally serve as Devil’s Advocate. Prospective client is a figure of seminal infamy, with a marquee value second only to God. Responsible for career successes of luminaries ranging from Ghengis Kahn to Vince McMahon. Tends to cackle with glee at any hint of misfortune. Favorite background sound is tortured souls howling in eternal agony. His influence over the U.S. Congress speaks for itself.
Currently encountering serious image problems and losing market share to leading rivals, with name recognition plummeting 27% since 2016. Confronting growing difficulty getting even the biggest sinners to sell Him their souls. His website, once the premier online destination for iniquity as measured in unique monthly visitors, now lags behind Walmart and Amazon.
To reign supreme and once again corner the market on evil, fending off competition from the Kardashians. To promote salvation by damnation and prevent evil from getting a bad name. To improve public perception of the Evil Empire product portfolio and stop the general public from ever again settling for the lesser of two evils. To promote key messages that Bad is not only back but also seriously cooler than good and badder than ever, combating perception that He has gone soft and accomplished little since Hitler and Leona Helmsley. To spread the gospel that any person intent on success can do both well and bad. To make inroads on the highly susceptible urban professional Baby Boomer demographic.
Must be comfortable joining The Dark Side and representing a client intent on world domination through acts against humanity. Should be fluent in speaking with forked tongue. Ethical elasticity a must-have. Demonstrable experience in adhering to abysmally low moral standards. Lifetime loyalty required and non-negotiable. Track record handling other iffy clients – Roger Goodell, Elizabeth Holmes, Big Tobacco, Big Fat – a major plus. Subscribes to philosophy that perpetuating evil is very much a collaborative process. Calling for big Ideas – big big -- that go above and beyond the usual genocide, earthquakes, cable TV news channels and other humdrum apocalyptic fare. Require creative thinking that’s diabolically inspired and gets a whole new vibe going and musters enough buzz to make Hell hot again.
Scope of work
Standard PR services: executive visibility, issues management, crisis control, manipulation of reality, tweaking of the truth, invention of alternative facts.
Mount exquisitely orchestrated, full-frontal, 360-degree rebranding initiative that stages a comeback for the ages. Proclaim wrong as the new right and vice the new virtue. Enlist minions as brand ambassadors, including winning back Keith Richards. Regain nonprofit tax status. Get credit often mistakenly given to God for “punishments” such as malaria, typhoons and Pat Robertson. Revamp His website to enable souls to be sold online, minus shipping costs. Design “legitimate” clinical trials to prove that doing bad vigorously for at least 30 minutes a day three times a week may combat cancer, ear wax buildup and other chronic diseases.
Write your own check (though all payments will be made in cash).
Must have no misgivings about seeing your integrity forever shattered. Must accept severe consequences for failure to perform satisfactorily whether being impaled on a spiked gate or forced to sit through staff meetings for another 30 years. Introduce yourselves at presentation with charming personal anecdote that reveals a heinous misdeed you once committed. Forgo PowerPoint slides (“Just talk to me like a Person,” He recommends).
Bob Brody, a public-relations consultant and essayist in New York City, is author of the memoir “Playing Catch with Strangers: A Family Guy (Reluctantly) Comes Of Age.”