Bill Huey
Bill Huey

Have you ever wondered what Trump might do after he leaves the White House, assuming he doesn’t go to the Big House once he is a mere citizen again?

Try to imagine Donald J. Trump as an NFL owner—say, of a beater team like the Arizona Cardinals.

Here’s what we might expect:

Rudy Giuliani would be general manager

Dan Scavino would be coach (after all, he was once a caddie at Trump’s Bedminster club). But not for long. There would be six coaches in five seasons. Two of them would die from Covid.

Roger Stone would be head of football operations and a special advisor.

Other key personnel: Donnie Jr. and Eric would be in charge of picking cheerleaders and leading cheers. Hope Hicks would be director of communications, following in her father’s footsteps, and Ivanka would head up branding and marketing. Jared would be in charge of international relations, real estate, and catering, reflecting his broad portfolio while in the White House.

Dr. Sean Conley—known for his ability to keep his mouth shut—is team physician. Players are never injured; “he’s always limped that way.” Stephen Miller would be director of player hydration, a job formerly known as water boy.

Vladimir Putin would have a stadium suite, complete with disinfectant mister and caviar bar.

Trump would pack as many fans as the law allows into the stadium, none of them wearing masks, all of them cheering at the top of their lungs.

The playbook would be thrown out as “old fashioned,” and the coach would call plays based on tweets from Trump.

Players would be paid huge salaries, but their checks would bounce, and they would always be in court trying to collect. But they would have plenty of perks, such as free Regeneron cocktails and Remdesevir doses that the rest of us ordinary schlumps can’t get.

EVERY last BODY would stand for the national anthem.

Trump would always be at war with the league, mocking other team owners as “losers", and “suckers,” and complaining that he wasn’t getting his fair share of the TV revenue.

As might be expected, the team would lose, lose, lose, but Trump would constantly predict that a Super Bowl is “around the corner.” Moreover, the team would make money for the Trump organization through branding and licensing deals, staying at Trump hotels and resorts when they travel, and selling unused tickets to lobbyists and representatives of foreign governments. Because while Trump has no power, he still has influence, especially with Republican lawmakers. Then, there’s the tax deductions: Yooge!

It’s morning in America again.

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Bill Huey is founder and president of Strategic Communications, a corporate and marketing communication consultancy. He is the author of two novels and a new one-act play dealing with the #Me Too Movement, “The Tiger of the Flesh.”