Trump Library

To date, we haven’t heard a word about a Trump presidential library. No foundation to fund one has been created (Trump would probably loot it anyway); no site mentioned; no plans floated. One would think that a supersteroidal narcissist like the president would already have plans drawn up, but then you have to be an ex-president to have a library, and Trump won’t be that officially until January 20. Unofficially, not until he kicks the bucket.

Nevertheless, we can try to envision what a Trump presidential library would be like. Various memes have already surfaced: a vast white room with a couch and a single TV set; an adult bookstore; a federal penitentiary, but those are mostly fanciful. It’s time for a serious discussion.

First the site. New York won’t want the library. New Jersey will probably try to get it. The only logical place is Florida, which went for Trump in two elections. England’s The Guardian suggested in January that Florida’s Briny Breezes trailer park, located just 12 miles south of Mar-a-Lago, would make an ideal site, since Trump tried to buy it once.

Mar-a-Lago itself would make a good site, presuming that Melania lets Trump keep it. It might be in foreclosure, and could be reopened as a presidential library. But, at 110,000 square feet, it seems a bit small to suit His Orangeness. After all, the Clinton presidential library is 140,000 square feet, and Obama’s “Presidential Center” in Chicago will have a proposed 325,000 square feet, The New York Times reported last year. No wonder historian Robert Caro has referred to presidential libraries as “America’s Pyramids.”

As for the library itself, here’s what we can expect:

Guests will be greeted by the sight of the presidential golf cart in the lobby, complete with clubs and doctored score cards. Most people have never seen the cart up close, the privilege being reserved mostly for fellow crooks, enablers like Lindsey Graham, and co-conspirators.

The only book on display will be The Art of the Deal. Locked away in a windowless reading room will be Mary Trump’s book about her family and Bob Woodward’s book Rage, plus Woodward’s interview tapes.

The only portraits will be of The Donald and his old man Freddy, from whom Donald got his fortune and his drive to be a ruthless winner who dominates other people.

The walls will be covered with Trump tweets, with more on scrolling readers for library patrons. A continuous loop video will play on giant TV screens in nearly every room, proclaiming Trump’s accomplishments and containing clips from his four years of political rallies at taxpayer expense. Sean Spicer will do the narration.

Below the library will be a food court serving McDonald’s, KFC, Pizza Hut, and some of the president’s favorite snacks, such as Oreos. Lots of Diet Coke, of course.

The gift shop will feature more videos of the rallies, plus CDs of Trump’s hit favorites: “Build the Wall,” “Fill That Seat,” “Fire Fauci,” and the ever-popular “Lock Her Up.” MAGA hats and T-shirts will be only a dollar each, since there are so many left over.

This list is just a start, and readers are welcome to add their ideas, as we are still in early innings. And if somehow money doesn’t materialize to build a library, Trump supporters can always return to Breezy Acres. Get a couple of Wall contractors to shove some FEMA trailers together, a little landscaping, and we’re all set.


Bill Huey is founder and president of Strategic Communications, a corporate and marketing communication consultancy. He is the author of two novels and a new one-act play dealing with the #Me Too Movement, “The Tiger of the Flesh.”