ATT

AT&T’s rollout of its 5G cellular phone service began with a thud on February 22, when it switched off its other services in favor of 5G. Not completely off, mind you, I can still dial 911 on my minimalist flip phone, but effectively off. Not a sunset, but a total eclipse.

I went to an AT&T store on the appointed day to see about getting a replacement phone and upgrade. Not only did they not have any replacement phones, they didn’t appear to know anything much about them. It was suggested that I dial 611 to find out whether a new phone had been shipped to me, as the giant, lumbering behemoth had begun sending phones two weeks prior.

The 611 number I called brought absolutely no help. First, I couldn’t understand the customer service representative, possibly because I was in a shopping center outside the AT&T store. Second, she asked me all sorts of password questions after I had already given my account number, address, etc. Flailing about, I mentioned my mother’s maiden name. Bingo! I was in.

But the rep couldn’t tell me whether a replacement phone had been shipped to me. All she would commit to was that “it would be delivered to my door.”

A few days later, I visited additional AT&T retail outlets, each more clueless than the last. Finally, I ended up at Big Corporate, owned by AT&T, at the swank shopping center in town. I was there more than two hours. Finally, a manager whom I confronted told me that they were having trouble activating the replacement phone because AT&T had accidentally shut off the 5G network to that type of phone. So, I had to purchase a new one. “They don’t keep us in the loop,” he said.

I don’t possess a smartphone, as I am too dumb to use one, and I keep my cell phone mostly turned off unless I am traveling or ordering a sandwich while I am out running errands. I probably have thousands of junk messages on the little phone because I never bothered to learn how to check messages. I certainly don’t text, and only need the phone for backup and emergencies.

And it doesn’t help one bit that the communication around the 5G conversion has been execrable. I learned about it through the media, and never received anything telling me what was happening, when, or how it might affect me.

AT&T spends millions of dollars per year on lobbying. Former Republican operative and political consultant Ed Gillespie is in charge. In fact, my monthly bill includes a “Regulatory Cost Recovery Fee” of $1.18. Multiply that by millions of customers and you have a tidy sum presumably going straight to the bottom line, as lobbying fees are tax deductible.

Yet another subtle way of royally screwing the consumer.

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Bill Huey is president of Strategic Communications and the author of Carbon Man (Kindle, 2010).