Experience shows that nothing can forge a better relationship between an agency account person and a client than empathizing with the client’s personal problems, giving heartfelt advice, never fudging the truth about agency personnel decisions, and assuring the client that his program suggestions are always right on target.

The statements below were made by a variety of senior PR people that I have worked with over the years and I have also made them. Adopt them as your own.

* Doing so has always worked to my advantage and readers of this this site will find them useful.

* The way you acted at the bar last night was shameful. But I’ll keep it between us.

* I know this reporter for years. You can be assured that there will never be anything in the story that might cause us trouble.

* We know each other for a long time. So let me level with you.

* Are you happier now that your divorce is final?

* I’m in the same boat as you. My agency doesn’t appreciate me.

* I know that you think that the A/E assigned to your account is young and inexperienced. But you were once young, too.

* I know you want me to keep running your account. But the agency said if I don’t move to a more important account it’ll hurt my career.

* Your budget is too small for us to assign our best account execs.

* I don’t know how you put up with your secretary. It takes forever to get material from her.

* The truth is that because of our growth over the past three years, your account is not that important to the agency anymore.

* We have a long relationship, so I’m speaking off the record.

* Mistakes happen. No one is perfect.

* You know, we’re running a business here.

What makes you think your account is special?

* There is a difference between advertising and news reporting, you know.

* I don’t know what else we can do. We’ve given it our best shot.

* Your company is so small. The CEO should stop complaining and realize he’s lucky he was even included in the story.

* I can’t replace you’re A/E He’s the son of a very important client and I’ve been told I have to protect him.

* Remember, you owe me.

* I think you should call it a night.

Happy April Fools' Day!

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Arthur Solomon, former senior VP at Burson-Marsteller, is a frequent contributor to PR and sports business publications, consults on projects and serves on the Seoul Peace Prize nominating committee. He can be reached at [email protected]